1 Millennial Limericks by Marek Zemek I’ve never been good at putting words together into sentences in a coherent way, but somehow, I’ve managed to get through life up to this point regardless. When Mr Healy reached out to me (and other ex-Nothingeers) about putting together one final issue before an indefinite hiatus, I got to thinking how I could contribute despite my linguistic handicap. I’m not good at being sentimental either, so writing a big emotional retrospective piece on my time with Nothing was out of the question. I thought about writing some sort of piece on my time after high school, with some tips and tricks for dealing with university life sprinkled throughout, but then I realized that I don’t really have any tips since I’m basically winging it at this point of my life. Then it hit me: How about writing a bunch of limericks about the millennial experience? I’ve got a background in being a millennial (22 years of it, in fact), plus poetry is weird by default, so nobody will even bat an eye at my horrendous word choices and poor grammar (my spelling is alright thanks to spellcheck). Perfect! So here you go, I hope you’ll enjoy at least one or two of these slightly self-deprecating word biscuits. Intro Musician On a cold winter day in his dorm Frank set to work on his string-plucking form None of the neighbors knocked To hate on how he rocked On twitter, though, they raged; it was a storm Marek from Ostrava, class of 2’15 Heard Nothing’s ending, crew’s lately been lean Set out to pay tribute by Couple wee poems wry Critics: “Unfunny, edgy, and obscene” Slumber Sustenance Mikey lay sleeping tight in his bed His school seat left vacant, it is said Could’ve been a doctor Could’ve been a lawyer That’s if on his bunk he was not spread Scrambled eggs, hamburger, mac ‘n’ cheese Pizza, toast, chocolate bars, and Chinese As long as my tummy Agrees it is yummy And it’s cheap, I will eat what I please Calculus Essay Integrate x squared plus x plus two Don’t forget dx, ‘cause many do In the end you will get x cubed by three – no sweat – plus x squared by two, two x, and c too Rob was up, 3 AM, paper is due PC on, shining bright, his face gleams blue Woe is him! Dire plight! Y’all guessed the punchline, right? On the screen, corner says “Word count: 2”